i want it all
and nothing at all
i want things
that are nothing
i want them for nothing
what do we want that
is worth wanting anyways
do we want anything out of purity
or do our hungry souls
direct our wanderings, decisions, duties?

i will never know
i follow a winding road
i want to decide on my own
what is sweet and what is torn
i can not tell the difference sometimes
between beauty and dark lies
if it is up to me
i chase vanity
and she always blames me in the end
always welcomes me as a friend
always shuts the door and
does not let me in and leaves me banging hard
for some tea and scones
she leaves me outside to drown
in the rain
she does not care because that is who she is
there today
and gone tomorrow
a fickle worthless
friend
vanity
she will fade in the wind
i want nothing at all
i want things that are nothing
i want them for nothing.

pungent
air sticks
unrelentingly
unto
your thick
lungs
inhale
but don't let out
savor
the ringing
of those words
jagged pure
riddled soft
over coarse waves keep
them
inside you until
tears they fall into
open palms

Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy. Prov 26:6

Today I realized, I do not know how to love people. I love myself and how people make me feel. I know very little of sacrificial love and putting others before myself. I feel far removed from what love is:


1 Corinthians 13:4-8

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

God please forgive me for not trusting. For being self seeking and envious. For dishonoring and being easily offended. For keeping a record of wrongs for not freely forgiving and embracing. Forgive me for going to a person to meet all my needs and not going to you. How can I love someone when I am only thinking of MYSELF AND MY FEELINGS? Oh God forgive me, my sin affects people. Thank you for showing me how messed up I am in the light of how much you love me. Oh God please fill me with a deeper understanding of your love. Drain what I know in my pious head into my stone heart. Lord, please give me a heart of flesh, in the name of Jesus. I don't want to keep my heart in a casket cold and dead like Lewis said. I want to love, I want to experience how to really love, not this fake stuff I am used to("loving" so a person can make me feel good, high expectations of others, desiring for someone to complete and heal me and make me feel loved! I am all about me!). Show me how to love like  you do, with an abandonment of self. Please God lead me in this. Show me the truth in your word about love, and losing my life to gain it. Help me to trust in your truth before I try to suck the life out of the people around me. Show me to trust in what real love is and care for my friends, family and boyfriend without thinking about how they can meet my needs. God please HELP ME TO PUT THE INTEREST OF OTHERS BEFORE MYSELF.

Phil. 2:4-5
Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

Oh love that will not let me go
will you wrap me up green
towel
and dry me up
residue
all dripping off me
tears sweat
sweet and
enough.
oh love that will not let me go
a flickering light
can you make it blaze
a little more
so i
can see
I am out of sight
from everyone
from myself
from my truth
I need a getting back
and a warm hug
that lasts
a lifetime
unquivering
and
unwavering
unlike
every other
handshake hand hold
i have ever had
sad world
all alone and gray
all ships
sinking
eventually
because of decay
i need an anchor
i need an anchor
wrap the fat chain around my wrist
the whole world moves
and is swallowed by sky
the anchor tall i am alone and proud
a love that will not drown
in tumultuous black abiss
like everyone else
like everyone else
shoot for perfection
shoot amiss
and you just wanting
someone to come home to
and not have to
wonder forever
when their love
will rot up like dust
and feather away
into the night
you just want to be home
and stay home with something
that will never die
but that is just one of our
age old lies
immortality will never be ours
our time sand
slips out
out and is
never enough
unfailing love
neverending
never fading
never slipping
not once
not faltering once
not changing once
not deluding
fiercely forever never trips in
intensity
solid and untouchable
perfectly kept
while all erodes
through
the racing modes of
eternity
be mine be mine
because no one else
can stay aflame
for me.
no cooing eye
nor solid flesh
can last and breathe with me
when the world and all
its madness colors and singing
ceases to be.

Sylvia Plath

"Remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to become acutely aware of all I’ve taken for granted."

 

"I lean to you, numb as a fossil. Tell me I’m here."

 

" I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and I’d cry for a week. I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full."

 

" I must learn more about these people-try to understand them, put myself in their place. No, instead I am so busy keeping my head above water that I scarcely know who I am, much less who anyone else is."

 

" The trouble was, I had been inadequate all along, I simply hadn’t thought about it.

 

I wonder why I don’t go to bed and go to sleep. But then it would be tomorrow, so I decide that no matter how tired, no matter how incoherent I am, I can skip one hour more of sleep and live."

"I felt my lungs inflate with the onrush of scenery—air, mountains, trees, people. I thought, ‘This is what it is to be happy.’"

 

"Can you understand? Someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little, love me a little? For all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that - I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much - so very much to learn. "

 

Yes, there is joy, fulfillment and companionship - but the loneliness of the soul in its appalling self-consciousness is horrible and overpowering.  

The floor seemed wonderfully solid. It was comforting to know I had fallen and could fall no farther

 

 

  I desire the things which will destroy me in the end. 

 

What did my fingers do before they held him?
What did my heart do, with its love? 

 

And the danger is that in this move toward new horizons and far directions, that I may lose what I have now, and not find anything except loneliness. 

Let me live, love and say it well in good sentences. 

 

 

... because wherever I sat—on the deck of a ship or at a street café in Paris or Bangkok—I would be sitting under the same glass bell jar, stewing in my own sour air. 

 

I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.  

If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed. 

 

There is something demoralizing about watching two people get more and more crazy about each other, especially when you are the only extra person in the room. It’s like watching Paris from an express caboose heading in the opposite direction—every second the city gets smaller and smaller, only you feel it’s really you getting smaller and smaller and lonelier and lonelier, rushing away from all those lights and excitement at about a million miles an hour.  

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

(i am writing this, whatever it turns out to be, at a more positive state than i have been in, lets say, years. I usually do not pen or in this case, keyboard when cheery. Usually I am moved by an overwhelming dark cloud that drives me to tears or writing or sometimes both)

the faucet was off, it was frozen
and then the knob was turned half an inch
and i tasted a drop of clear cool water
it warmed me to the core
it tore through all false
I waited in a quiet room
for another drop
to plunge
through me
and it did one by one
and broke doors off hinges
one day it will be a flood.
and i will dance in it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRgXUFnfKIY