"April is the cruelest month"
breaking new holes
and filling old ones
screaming loudly and open
randrops heavy and
stone
cold withered scabs
open windows
thrown blankets
boxes packed with books and moth letters
eyes alert in dark mornings
shifting, searching, mourning.
Curtains aback
light stinging, scorching,
burning, killing, ripping,
and opening
to bandaid
to purge
wreckage cleared spotless.
absent you
farewell,
i say
adieu.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Sunday, April 21, 2013
we were wrong
dead wrong
dead spinning too
fast
and you pretended
pretended
till you couldnt anymore
and so did i
i tried to get
all in my head
in my heart
but it could never fit
right
and you were so far away
i could never hold on to you
i always thought i was a pretty accessory
i go with your shoes
and the steps that you take
would be mine too
but my craving for the outside
would rule
my wildness for life
would kill you
and your calculations
would kill me
how could we know?
when all we had were smiles
and entangled fingers
how did it crash into a dark mess of glass
on the floor?
i would lie a terrible lie
to say i dont miss you
the you i believed you were
with all my fears and
hesitations
i miss you the one who loved me more than
i thought anyone could
but you never knew me
and i never knew you
we loved phantoms
pieced together with glue
and stamps
and letters
that were never you and i
at all
you run you ran away
when i fall
i fall alone
and you are no one but a clone
of them and what you think is right
no critics allowed to wake you aloud with a cry
you are dumb and deaf to
love
to life
to sacrifice
you have you and you are enough
you have the open page to fill your godliness full of
never giving a thing
never missing a command
never loving like He did.
i cry when i think of you trapped in you.
i wish i could save you.
i wish i could save you from your values that eat you up into
nothing
if you do not have love you are nothing minister
nothing but a waste
i wish i could save you but you are gone
so gone no crying and screaming
can penetrate your heavy eyes
and i still have life in mine.
dead wrong
dead spinning too
fast
and you pretended
pretended
till you couldnt anymore
and so did i
i tried to get
all in my head
in my heart
but it could never fit
right
and you were so far away
i could never hold on to you
i always thought i was a pretty accessory
i go with your shoes
and the steps that you take
would be mine too
but my craving for the outside
would rule
my wildness for life
would kill you
and your calculations
would kill me
how could we know?
when all we had were smiles
and entangled fingers
how did it crash into a dark mess of glass
on the floor?
i would lie a terrible lie
to say i dont miss you
the you i believed you were
with all my fears and
hesitations
i miss you the one who loved me more than
i thought anyone could
but you never knew me
and i never knew you
we loved phantoms
pieced together with glue
and stamps
and letters
that were never you and i
at all
you run you ran away
when i fall
i fall alone
and you are no one but a clone
of them and what you think is right
no critics allowed to wake you aloud with a cry
you are dumb and deaf to
love
to life
to sacrifice
you have you and you are enough
you have the open page to fill your godliness full of
never giving a thing
never missing a command
never loving like He did.
i cry when i think of you trapped in you.
i wish i could save you.
i wish i could save you from your values that eat you up into
nothing
if you do not have love you are nothing minister
nothing but a waste
i wish i could save you but you are gone
so gone no crying and screaming
can penetrate your heavy eyes
and i still have life in mine.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
im ready to
give up
throw the towl in the wet floor
take my model number
turn me in
i cant function anymore
give up
i see the fight in me going ary
like light waves being clenched
by the hand of a rebel spy
i dont flinch when you cry
am still as a smooth pill
i willow out and climb
away
your complaints are
another badge on my poor
display
i wear it proud now
unsoldier walking down now
tired to prove
tired to pretend im fixed and mended
im not
and im chopped up
particles twisted and jagged
cutting up and messin up
everything worth having
cant get away from model 289
you think i should be a shiny dime
but im due for expolsion
im only consuming and exploiting
craving and failing
trying and falling
calling and shut out
and shouted at
measure me
youll send me back
to short to establish rank
close my eyes and scream thunder
shrill to the bones
till you leave me alone
give up
throw the towl in the wet floor
take my model number
turn me in
i cant function anymore
give up
i see the fight in me going ary
like light waves being clenched
by the hand of a rebel spy
i dont flinch when you cry
am still as a smooth pill
i willow out and climb
away
your complaints are
another badge on my poor
display
i wear it proud now
unsoldier walking down now
tired to prove
tired to pretend im fixed and mended
im not
and im chopped up
particles twisted and jagged
cutting up and messin up
everything worth having
cant get away from model 289
you think i should be a shiny dime
but im due for expolsion
im only consuming and exploiting
craving and failing
trying and falling
calling and shut out
and shouted at
measure me
youll send me back
to short to establish rank
close my eyes and scream thunder
shrill to the bones
till you leave me alone
Saturday, December 8, 2012
i want it all
and nothing at all
i want things
that are nothing
i want them for nothing
what do we want that
is worth wanting anyways
do we want anything out of purity
or do our hungry souls
direct our wanderings, decisions, duties?
i will never know
i follow a winding road
i want to decide on my own
what is sweet and what is torn
i can not tell the difference sometimes
between beauty and dark lies
if it is up to me
i chase vanity
and she always blames me in the end
always welcomes me as a friend
always shuts the door and
does not let me in and leaves me banging hard
for some tea and scones
she leaves me outside to drown
in the rain
she does not care because that is who she is
there today
and gone tomorrow
a fickle worthless
friend
vanity
she will fade in the wind
i want nothing at all
i want things that are nothing
i want them for nothing.
and nothing at all
i want things
that are nothing
i want them for nothing
what do we want that
is worth wanting anyways
do we want anything out of purity
or do our hungry souls
direct our wanderings, decisions, duties?
i will never know
i follow a winding road
i want to decide on my own
what is sweet and what is torn
i can not tell the difference sometimes
between beauty and dark lies
if it is up to me
i chase vanity
and she always blames me in the end
always welcomes me as a friend
always shuts the door and
does not let me in and leaves me banging hard
for some tea and scones
she leaves me outside to drown
in the rain
she does not care because that is who she is
there today
and gone tomorrow
a fickle worthless
friend
vanity
she will fade in the wind
i want nothing at all
i want things that are nothing
i want them for nothing.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy. Prov 26:6
Today I realized, I do not know how to love people. I love myself and how people make me feel. I know very little of sacrificial love and putting others before myself. I feel far removed from what love is:
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
God please forgive me for not trusting. For being self seeking and envious. For dishonoring and being easily offended. For keeping a record of wrongs for not freely forgiving and embracing. Forgive me for going to a person to meet all my needs and not going to you. How can I love someone when I am only thinking of MYSELF AND MY FEELINGS? Oh God forgive me, my sin affects people. Thank you for showing me how messed up I am in the light of how much you love me. Oh God please fill me with a deeper understanding of your love. Drain what I know in my pious head into my stone heart. Lord, please give me a heart of flesh, in the name of Jesus. I don't want to keep my heart in a casket cold and dead like Lewis said. I want to love, I want to experience how to really love, not this fake stuff I am used to("loving" so a person can make me feel good, high expectations of others, desiring for someone to complete and heal me and make me feel loved! I am all about me!). Show me how to love like you do, with an abandonment of self. Please God lead me in this. Show me the truth in your word about love, and losing my life to gain it. Help me to trust in your truth before I try to suck the life out of the people around me. Show me to trust in what real love is and care for my friends, family and boyfriend without thinking about how they can meet my needs. God please HELP ME TO PUT THE INTEREST OF OTHERS BEFORE MYSELF.
Phil. 2:4-5
Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Today I realized, I do not know how to love people. I love myself and how people make me feel. I know very little of sacrificial love and putting others before myself. I feel far removed from what love is:
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
God please forgive me for not trusting. For being self seeking and envious. For dishonoring and being easily offended. For keeping a record of wrongs for not freely forgiving and embracing. Forgive me for going to a person to meet all my needs and not going to you. How can I love someone when I am only thinking of MYSELF AND MY FEELINGS? Oh God forgive me, my sin affects people. Thank you for showing me how messed up I am in the light of how much you love me. Oh God please fill me with a deeper understanding of your love. Drain what I know in my pious head into my stone heart. Lord, please give me a heart of flesh, in the name of Jesus. I don't want to keep my heart in a casket cold and dead like Lewis said. I want to love, I want to experience how to really love, not this fake stuff I am used to("loving" so a person can make me feel good, high expectations of others, desiring for someone to complete and heal me and make me feel loved! I am all about me!). Show me how to love like you do, with an abandonment of self. Please God lead me in this. Show me the truth in your word about love, and losing my life to gain it. Help me to trust in your truth before I try to suck the life out of the people around me. Show me to trust in what real love is and care for my friends, family and boyfriend without thinking about how they can meet my needs. God please HELP ME TO PUT THE INTEREST OF OTHERS BEFORE MYSELF.
Phil. 2:4-5
Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
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