John 5:40-40 But you are not willing to come to Me that you may have life.

i find it interesting that
i look for You in the madness
in chaos and noise..
and then i cry because i cant hear you speak to me
you are there all along
but i refuse to
come away with you
to quiet my heart
and let the weight of solitude
push me down
and burn my ears with
your echoing
whispers of truth.

"come to me...
find a quiet place.."



Isaiah 66:3-4—“Yea, they have chosen their own ways and their soul delighteth in their abominations . . . when I called, none did answer; when I spoke, they did not hear; but they did evil before mine eyes, and chose that in which I delighted not.”

still

i will wait as long as
possible.
even as i sit and look up
at the night sky.
i will keep looking
until
circles of
shimmering
white
all fade out.. and the sky is left black
like a rolling sea.
my face tilted up
ever in the sweet air
i see shadows of
them
they throw flowers at my feet
reds and yellows
friendly fellows
but i let them wilt
into wet
grass.
my skin is cold
then brilliant in spring winds
and then i am
brown under sharp rays.
but oh
i still wait.
i dance under
purple clouds and sing in slow
falling
rain.
tonight the last star
whispered
goodbye
and finally
i could see
new light.
in anothers
waiting eyes.

oh i cant go back.
i have experienced you once
and all that You entail
a spring of unspeakable
joy
comfort and
fullness.
i will not be content with anything else
no matter what tower i build or
 lover i meet
or good i pour
pour out
it all is dry
breaking apart
and flies away in
the hot wind
i will not move without You.

Waiting for Godot

Pozzo-...."They give birth astride of a grave, the light gleams an instant, then its night once more."


---my professor said that he knows nothing in liturature that more accurately depicts the human condition. He then said this is how he felt when his daughter died only after a couple weeks of being born. Ohthe heart wrenching things you learn in Lit class..still i wish I could offer him hope. There is hope.

i want to run
a thousand miles
away.
where no one
knows me
where i am free of shame
where i dont look needy
but simple
and care free...
but i cant
run away from me.
from the fact that no one can fill
my empty heart
no matter how much love they pour , pour out
i am still left parched..
afraid that soon ill push every one away..
because i search for love and more in their wake
but no one can give me enough
to smile.
i left the river of Life
and my pale is
tossed to  the side.
ive tried to pick it up and pull for more
but the water slips out
of the bottom from some rusty holes
ive patched them up but somehow the
water still breaks through
and i am left wondering
what happened to me
and You.

i can not expect Your life
when i keep 
clenching tight to mine.

i keep coming back to you
let me
respond to you
let me respond
to you
for what you have done
for how you allowed me to
awake
in consciousness
and feel
and breath
in a world
you designed
for your glory.
let me look up to you and
scream of joy
because you
are here
dont let me God
walk with my eyes on myself
dont let me
worship
other people
other things
show me how God
to love you
look how i close my mind to your magesty!
your greatness your holiness!
look how i walk away
and tell myself
to forget you
to focus on
the here and now
but you are here and now
and you were then and will be
and you
are the only One who knows me
each day i take my gaze locked on my
cheap treasures
i miss out on having
a heart of flesh
open eyes
and adventurous steps
you are worthy.
God please
give me the gift of
faith.