God you saved me
I was blind moving forward like
a hollow ghost
yelling at myself
to convince myself
you knew the whole time
you
spoke those whispers in my heart
I foolish didnt listen
I thought I was right
I thought you wanted this
I was so wrong
the pretty circle on
my finger
did not make me smile
but i was filled with tumbling fear
and steady uneasiness
and you knew why.
you know why.
i didnt know why
and ignored the lonely nights
the questioning thoughts
the calculated, scheduled talks
the sick dropping feelings at
condescending phrases
the thin ropes being laced around my wrists
all with a soft voice
all with a smile
all with a christian tip of the hat
and a "God told me that...."
its
like
this.

i open my mouth and he shut me up.
but You know what its like to be betrayed with a kiss
religious leaders headed for your wrists
i felt the wrongness every time.
a thought, a dream, a truthful line
all killed and murdered with a cheap rose
and

"you'll be mine, little wife and only go where I go
shut up and
follow me
that's how it is supposed to be
your'e a christian? Huh? well why cant you see- that it is all about ME?
they all think I'm a saint and so do you- 
isn't this ordeal quaint?"

the thick red flags floating and flying fiercely behind
his words that truly were about "i"
not we, no.
sacrificial love no.
him and them
are allies godly, lofty
and me
the rebel spy.

well, ive spied with my eye
selfish religiosity, complacency, duality, manhood abused and misunderstood, sick
and refined
and "you'll never change, that is the gospel little girl get it right."
adding to God's words like its
fine.


thank you God
you let me loose
even though I cried.