where do i find my worth?
my affirmation?
my confirmation?
my approval?
where do i begin?
me? the real me?
and where does the molded me begin?
the sculpted image?
that grows and reshapes?
according to
other human beings, fallible corrupting
as myself?
why doesnt this source within me
who i am
grow
and spring forth
from your eternal
spring
your powerful words
how is it that i am shaped
by lesser things
and lesser thoughts
about who i am
how is it that i dont solidify my being
in who YOU say that i am Lord?

John 21:1-7

1 Afterward Jesus appeared again to his disciples, by the Sea of Tiberias. It happened this way: 2 Simon Peter, Thomas (called Didymus), Nathanael from Cana in Galilee, the sons of Zebedee, and two other disciples were together. 3 "I'm going out to fish," Simon Peter told them, and they said, "We'll go with you." So they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing. 4 Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus. 5 He called out to them, "Friends, haven't you any fish?" "No," they answered. 6 He said, "Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some." When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish. 7
Then the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, "It is the Lord!" As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, "It is the Lord," he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water.

Lord make me run to you no matter what anyone else is doing with no question!

I'm finding myself in this place,
where i only feel okay-
sitting at Your feet.
.and handing you the things i think i need.
When the world around me fades away
and You, alone-
become the author,
and perfecter
of my faith.

scribbled notes from today..the start of a longer cry to God. thank the Lord for writing as release!

my heart is weeping
it trembles inside
my fragile chest
the tears from it
are burning
they run hot
through me.

oct 25 after womens retreat

i can truly say
that i feel blessed
i dont know how you do it God
how you love me
with this steadfast love
and somehow you choose to restore me
even when i run away with my fears.
u are still
here
and your word still floods in
and overpowers my fearful
doubting
sin stained
heart.
and you shine brand new light
in its dark corners
again
and again
your love never
fails
it
endures
and remains
and restores
and i do not know why
but
you are my God.
and i am yours
and i am thankful. :)

Christian retreats and the like are all about the Word. other motives fall to the wayside. the word gives LIFE.

Father, help my unbelief.

Romans 2:28

God i want you,
i don't think anyone
understands
that i
just
want
you.
and minisrtry
means nothing
without
you.
and my smiles
are like cutting knives
my care
is cold and insincere
my preaching
is empty
and weak
my pleasing
is cheap
its fraud.
my hugs are
daggers
my spiritual talk
a loud
incoherent
ramble.
striking
Your ears.
shut me up, O God
and clean the
inside of my cup
that sparkles bright on
its outside.

Matthew 15

15:8 This people honors me with their lips,but their heart is far from me;

15:9 in vain do they worship me,teaching as doctrines the commandments of men. Mat.23:25-26 23:25 Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye make clean the outside of the cup and of the platter, but within they are full of extortion and excess. 23:26 Thou blind Pharisee, cleanse first that which is within the cup and platter, that the outside of them may be clean also.

today

was magnificent.
the day was brilliant
the colors vivid
its amazing how cool weather
can crystalize scenery
making trees and
street signs looks clean
and pure
the breeze was perfect.
this day spun with a morning tour
tuna sandwich
swing dancing
with beautiful people,
sitting in the cold on my porch
with a hot chai latte- it cant get better im sure
and having happy conversation with my roomate,
watching a choir sing to our God
and feeling the bliss of the cold
rushing in new chapters
exciting
waiting to unfold.

i can actually say that
my heart feels broken
and it is due to
a number of obscure reasons
mainly the fact
that i dont know how to play this
game.
and i will be alone because
im not good
at channeling
my heart felt
emotions into
easy doses for everyone.

im tired
so tired
sprinting
nearly out of breath
aching to keep up.
when will i walk?

sore limbs
faded green
eyes
straining to stay open
their light flickers in
and out
to catch a picture
of life
but the images
keep running fast
before their glazed stare
how can i capture its blurring speed
spinning with bright and dull
colors, mixing.
i close my eyes
i lay down on the cold floor, its quiet,
beckons me
woos me away
from the noise
and the failure.
a story
of trials and
errors
defended by the
feel of the cool air
streaming through open
window panes
rustling through leaves of open, unread books.
the music echoing in the distance
its calming melodies
tracing back whispering memories.
breathe deep catch a moment
and taste it
stay.
here.
still.
until you
are pulled,
ripped
into a mad run
tripping and falling. fighting
and bleeding
reaching and losing.

when?
will i bend and
touch soft
red petals
in sheer wonder
again.
leaning in a field of green;
kissed in the morning's dew.
my heart fiends for time to stop
to drink in again
the
doses
of
still
gleaming treasures
hiding inside today.