i know you know best
even though my heart
feels shattered
i know
you know best



i want to fly away right now.

last night,
i dreamt of running quickly in a dark airport
to board a plane
i did not care that i was alone
i did not care that i would fly for 13 hours
it did not matter who i left...


i sit in tears
because i am torn away displaced
i am not apart of that rising day

i will pray Lord
I will give this burning
thrashing
hungry desire to run,
to you
i have nothing else to do than that


i have to keep my red journal closed tight
a rubber band around it
when i open it
a flood of water consumes my tiny room
my big window casts rays of sun
and i swim above to get some air
swimming in my tears
of longing
each page burns at my touch.

i never thought i could want as this.
i miss i miss. them.
so much.

and they could never know of this consistent sorrow
that i keep hidden even from myself
so as not to spin my life into some hole
and not enjoy the beauty that i have now, that awaits even now in store.

i am ready

to find you.

im sorry i picked this and that and him too.

i cant be happy following my fables

why can i not remember that

they will never do

you told me once, twice

a million more

im crushed because i want to believe you

let me let go im

sorry i cling to idols

its so hard to say no

but if i hold these things

my arms full to the brim

thinking only of him

or of me

actually

and

what i want to win

well then i am

not your disciple

at all

you said if anyone would follow they

must lose it all.

whats left i think

starring down a path

that looks like there is no way to pass

i have nothing because it is yours

this will be a hard road

i tear my clothes

i make a pile of all these things

not my will

but yours

but

do i turn away?

surely i will only

dig my own grave.

where oh

God

where shall I go?

But to you...you speak everything true

and clean, you

lean in and hand me a beam

sorrowful savior you look me in the eyes and whisper

"trust me daughter, and follow me."

John 6:⁶⁷ So Jesus said to the Twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?” ⁶⁸ Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, ⁶⁹ and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.”

The Moon is distant from the Sea – (387)

By Emily Dickinson

The Moon is distant from the Sea –

And yet, with Amber Hands –

She leads Him – docile as a Boy –

Along appointed Sands –

He never misses a Degree –

Obedient to Her eye –

He comes just so far – toward the Town –

Just so far – goes away –

Oh, Signor, Thine, the Amber Hand –

And mine – the distant Sea –

Obedient to the least command

Thine eye impose on me –