I Am Just a Flower

Father I am

forlorn

comparing myself

to other roses

I only see my

thorns

and the trampling of

careless feet

dulling my petals

and making me weak

I myself not taking time

to eat

water from the healthy soil of

your goodness

The lover drunk in thought

garnishes the patch

I watch in wonder if I am worth

half

as lovely as the crisp hughes

I wish I'd have time to repair and prove

that my beaten petals were made by the same hands too.

I have made mistakes

on my intakes

I was long abused and misused

today I am still confused

I have given some care to caterpillars and

the vicious hare

they tore my petals and I feel

each tear

I try to stay strong,

not comparing myself to

those

pretty for so long

not

dulled by the sun

tainted by corrupted ones

In me

maybe the eye of the gentle will see

something trampled and restored

can reflect great beauty

For see, I am no more wilted, neither fallen or dead…

In me a maker has woven His thread-

I am His instead.

He kept me alive, He pruned me free.

Here I am,

impeccably me

Psalm 115

1 Not to us, Lord, not to us
    but to your name be the glory,
    because of your love and faithfulness.

Goodbye Jay

I am resigning from Jay Gatsby
It is high time
to let you know
I am resigning from Jay Gatsby
that fine eternally hopeful soul

a hope he had that was never a fad
unmovable and unbent
his lover went and left him sad
yet he never flinched or winced

determined to keep the past
he gave all morals to woo her
yet ended with a load of cash
and alone, still she with a
wealthy suitor

I must resign from such a plight
the lovestruck hopeful faced
he fought all possible to keep alive
the thought that love
is pure and unfazed

Yet people change
and leave and so
measure you next to numbered
poles
and once a love that says hello
will turn corners and carelessly go

You see, Jay Gatsby is not for me
I am not a boat floating endlessly into the sea
and defying the past
were it so
love would last

I must opt out of his poor conclusion
that the past is repeatable, and dreams are not
less than a delusion

instead I tread on uneven plane
ready to be mocked.
Even the safest earthly friend
can leave one shellshocked.

Poor Gatsby believed that he could gain
the "world within an hour
hold eternity in his hand
an infinity in a flower"

He couldn't bear
a world unfair
and kept hope as a child,
unaltered.

The good man thought
that all he bought
and changed and made
and did

would make him desirable to the girl
his soul did own, and so live.
but I cannot end his way,
wide-eyed and naivety prone.

I am resigning from Jay Gatsby,
who drowned in a pool of his own
blood,
pretending
he was not alone.

hands on the clock tell me its time
to start moving
eyes unmoving
like a placid cup of
joe
and he said he knows
what i want
my tomorrow already folding neatly
shirt collars tucked in
the trunk
ready for an engine song and so long
show me how to hold on
slipping slipping
and grasp
no eye on the past just this.
steer clear of yesteryears
and dead sighs-

snake eyes loomed
green light all afternoon
she all hopeful staring at an emerald moon.

Uncover their lunge
the frigid fanged plunge-
before you swoon.

I will not regret loving deeply

When Michelangelo was asked how he carved his magnificent David, his reply is reputed to have been, “I looked inside the marble and just took away the bits that weren’t David.”

1 peter 4:8
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

I will never regret loving deeply,
even though i dont do it perfectly
even though my loving at times
goes awry cuz my sinful pride and lies 
still God you let me love till it riddles in my bones

i will not regret loving deeply
till it covered
failures
flaws 
scars

i will never regret the times
Gods grace allowed me to love so deep 
as to forgive a multitude of sins

as to forget those things done and said

God you let me
hope
believe 
endure 
and wish the best
work hard even when i wanted
to give up

i can never regret
the times
of loving till 
i can't stop
thats how Jesus loves
without halts

i wont regret loving deep
even when i am not
loved the same
treated like a sinful shame

i guess i am...
arent we all a step away
from a fall?
But o
i am more hopeful somehow
my creator isnt done with me now

but God how can i use my love like a currency anyhow? 
I must give and
close my eyes

even tho i may be left to
die but
you won't

you wont leave me because your love
wont run dry

and if mine does please O God 
fill me quick back again
remembering to love how you love 
crazy and big

who am i not to love like this?
when i am one of the chief sinners too
messed up and confused

why you paid for me
with your life?
thats love i didnt even choose
you outdid them all
your love is that huge

your deep love
woos me
cleans me
calls me over
and over
and over
and over
again.

you dont tire
in telling me to
come back
to come
home
to fall again into
your open arms

you remind me when i am cold
of your selfless love
your actions, bold.

father please let me love others 
the way you have shown 
and by what you have told!

dont ever let my wounds
hide me away
toughen my heart from loving till
im pained

let me always 
see the work of art 
you are molding
sketching in marble and clay

so i can say
that you are chipping away 
everything that isnt
that persons true self
in you.
we are not finished till the final day.

Jesus you are making all things
new.

what a pretty color that rock has
oh the hue!

i am that work of art too
that you are carving 
i thank you that
you cherish this 
marble slab

To You, With All of My Heart

love is lost
when you cant stand
to work
through the grime
to get to grand
to see the shape
hidden in the sand
to hold and dust off that one
you committed your hand

when do we believe
we are perfectly clean?
when do we pretend
we are worth
betraying a friend?

when do we walk away
and say someone will never be okay
and say we are going a different way?
do we do that after committing our heart?
do we abandon our treasure like it 
is nothing but
faux art?
because your love won't bend
just the way you do?
because your love wants her own future
her own hopes too?
because distance can strangle and confuse
whats true?

when do we start walking away when someone cries?
when do we start believing our own twisted lies?
and leave our love as an unwanted whore
treated like nothing more than a monster struggling and poor
when all she did was beg to not be ignored
to work on the things that they both didnt understand or
abhorred.

but like a coward ---quiet you walk away.
with her dress white and clean
hung
for a special day?
with open arms that
only asked you 
to stay ?
all budgeted
to your liking
wasn't enough to sway?

she threw family as a scapegoat
it was never about that anyway
cant you see how you never let her in?
cant you see how
you scheduled her and penciled her in?

how she longed to be yours 
but you only gave scraps
as she craved
and poured her heart
till it was empty of sap

you treated her like a child
hungry you let her outside
a while
you confided in, and idolized them 
when she longed to be your
faithful friend

cant you see she
threw all aside and resigned
left her whole world for yours
with a smile?

but deep down she knew
you'd never do the same
and all you could do to her was
blame, blame, blame
the questioning sickening her brain


you told her to put you first 
but you never did the same

It was plain
to see 
she would live a life 
alone, as you became everything
you wanted to be

greedy 
selfish
and 
FREE.


she used her family 
just to see
if you loved her 
as recklessly 
as can be

If you loved her 
as she loved you 

if you'd 
give up 
your precious world
too.

you let them hold me down

you weren't around

you let them hold me down with their cold hands

and you walked away 

from me 

and you never looked back

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYtPFzMEYXQ

i cant breathe anymore
im pretty sure
i cant breathe anymore

but then Jesus
you round the corner
and tell me
its okay

you know the way
i go and
the whys all
hidden in dark places

and unfriendly faces
you stoop down
so i can see
your kind face

you give me your hand
you hand me grace
there is no disgrace

you make me radiant
take all my ashes
and i am beautiful

you beautify me with your salvation
and i know
that no man can harm
me

i am calm in your hands
who can be against me
when the king
stoops down and
wipes the tears from my face
pushes my hair back and tells me I'm safe?

what will it be
crouched in the corner like a stray
quiet
tiger
all my strength
and stripes
put away
for another day
for another year
shall i quiver now
tremble whiskers drooping down
when will my silver claws come out
and my hazel eyes swallow
light?

God you saved me
I was blind moving forward like
a hollow ghost
yelling at myself
to convince myself
you knew the whole time
you
spoke those whispers in my heart
I foolish didnt listen
I thought I was right
I thought you wanted this
I was so wrong
the pretty circle on
my finger
did not make me smile
but i was filled with tumbling fear
and steady uneasiness
and you knew why.
you know why.
i didnt know why
and ignored the lonely nights
the questioning thoughts
the calculated, scheduled talks
the sick dropping feelings at
condescending phrases
the thin ropes being laced around my wrists
all with a soft voice
all with a smile
all with a christian tip of the hat
and a "God told me that...."
its
like
this.

i open my mouth and he shut me up.
but You know what its like to be betrayed with a kiss
religious leaders headed for your wrists
i felt the wrongness every time.
a thought, a dream, a truthful line
all killed and murdered with a cheap rose
and

"you'll be mine, little wife and only go where I go
shut up and
follow me
that's how it is supposed to be
your'e a christian? Huh? well why cant you see- that it is all about ME?
they all think I'm a saint and so do you- 
isn't this ordeal quaint?"

the thick red flags floating and flying fiercely behind
his words that truly were about "i"
not we, no.
sacrificial love no.
him and them
are allies godly, lofty
and me
the rebel spy.

well, ive spied with my eye
selfish religiosity, complacency, duality, manhood abused and misunderstood, sick
and refined
and "you'll never change, that is the gospel little girl get it right."
adding to God's words like its
fine.


thank you God
you let me loose
even though I cried.

Click on the Link and do not forget!

remember who you are.

I am a daughter of the King!

Rejoice In Trials-Notes From Church

1 Peter 4

we should expect trials

the pearl of great price is God himself

Jesus was maligned by religious people
do not be surprised if this happens to you too...

rejoice in trials
-this is humanly impossible apart from God
-remembering that he is good and in control

why rejoice?
-trails lead us to a deeper fellowship with Jesus
we share in His sufferings
-deeper level of desiring Gods glory
(our suffering not worthy to be compared with the glory to be revealed)
-Closeness to God's spirit
Fear replaced by faith

Examine yourself in trials
make sure your suffering is not sin on your part
if there is sin repent!
yet even in self inflicted suffering
God is there and pursues us and uses it for good

Glorify God in your trial.
we should feel honored to suffer for Jesus

Eliz Elliot- BE OPEN TO THE TRAINING OF TRIALS
'Lord show me what you have for me in this"
SUBMIT to Gods refining process

Entrust yourself to Gods refining process
Where else can you go??
HE IS A FAITHFUL CREATOR
Give yourself to Jesus for safe keeping

Keller-God is completely present with us in our suffering.He knows what it is like.

Continue to do good as you entrust yourself to Jesus!

ITS ALL ABOUT JESUS AND OTHER PEOPLE-SPREADING HIS FAME! BUILDING HIS CHURCH.

like the prodigal son...trials can bring us back to Jesus. He welcomes us home.

Problem of Pain- Lewis
... all these toys were never meant to have my heart......
God let me remember this.

Learn and Keep Learning

“The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.”

For the Lord takes pleasure in His people,
He will beautify the afflicted ones with
SALVATION.

Psalm 149:4

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream
-C.S. Lewis

For nothing is impossible with God.
Luke 1:37

God gives. God takes away. Blessed be His name!


For in many dreams and in many words there is emptiness. RATHER FEAR GOD.
-Ecclesiastics 

jER 30:10-17

....Your wound is incurable....

17 For I will restore health to you
and your wounds
I will heal, declares the Lord,
because they have called you outcast.

gasp

Your name
fills all the walls in my house
like toxic gas
I have no time
to grab a mask
i see my thin shadow
gently collapse
eyes burnt like toast
heart beating red and wide
suddenly all frozen in a chilling tide
I float on a bed in a gray lagoon.
Intoxicated breaths and
fading soon.
I dare not move
I tremble at you
let me out
and
let it be fast.
No known signal from my mouth
can elapse-
just mute gasps,
soft cries,
morose laughs.
pockets in
sick toxic gas.

Norte

Knees bent
crouched with desperate intent-
Norte!
I fling myself to thee!
But you-
Sir,
stay there in Sur.
Please
keep that nice suit
and still
smile
and handcuff your
thigh
to the Sur side.
Your smile
crumbles and
folds
and dusts away old
you are nothing but
a hill of rot
and lust
and silky sighs and lies
that sizzle and fry
sticky hearts
thrashing throbbing and alive
like mine.
You wont have time
to step close
as you steady that smile hun,
I will run
panting hard
Norte
towards the sun.

April (Inspired by The Wasteland...and Real Events in My April)

"April is the cruelest month"
breaking new holes
and filling old ones
screaming loudly and open
randrops heavy and
stone
cold withered scabs
open windows
thrown blankets
boxes packed with books and moth letters
eyes alert in dark mornings
shifting, searching, mourning.
Curtains aback
light stinging, scorching,
burning, killing, ripping,
and opening
to bandaid
to purge
wreckage cleared spotless.
absent you
farewell,
i say
adieu.

we were wrong
dead wrong
dead spinning too
fast
and you pretended
pretended
till you couldnt anymore
and so did i
i tried to get
all in my head
in my heart
but it could never fit
right
and you were so far away
i could never hold on to you
i always thought i was a pretty accessory
i go with your shoes
and the steps that you take
would be mine too
but my craving for the outside
would rule
my wildness for life
would kill you
and your calculations
would kill me
how could we know?
when all we had were smiles
and entangled fingers
how did it crash into a dark mess of glass
on the floor?
i would lie a terrible lie
to say i dont miss you
the you i believed you were
with all my fears and
hesitations
i miss you the one who loved me more than
i thought anyone could
but you never knew me
and i never knew you
we loved phantoms
pieced together with glue
and stamps
and letters
that were never you and i
at all
you run you ran away
when i fall
i fall alone
and you are no one but a clone
of them and what you think is right
no critics allowed to wake you aloud with a cry
you are dumb and deaf to
love
to life
to sacrifice
you have you and you are enough
you have the open page to fill your godliness full of
never giving a thing
never missing a command
never loving like He did.
i cry when i think of you trapped in you.
i wish i could save you.
i wish i could save you from your values that eat you up into
nothing
if you do not have love you are nothing minister
nothing but a waste
i wish i could save you but you are gone
so gone no crying and screaming
can penetrate your heavy eyes
and i still have life in mine.

Sometimes
i just want
to disapear
like a fading
light
a paper
burning
softly in
blue
moonlight
and scale away
till
im nothing but
a mite
sometimes I long
to give up
the fight

im ready to
give up
throw the towl in the wet floor
take my model number
turn me in
i cant function anymore
give up
i see the fight in me going ary
like light waves being clenched
by the hand of a rebel spy
i dont flinch when you cry
am still as a smooth pill
i willow out and climb
away
your complaints are
another badge on my poor
display
i wear it proud now
unsoldier walking down now
tired to prove
tired to pretend im fixed and mended
im not
and im chopped up
particles twisted and jagged
cutting up and messin up
everything worth having
cant get away from model 289
you think i should be a shiny dime
but im due for expolsion
im only consuming and exploiting
craving and failing
trying and falling
calling and shut out
and shouted at
measure me
youll send me back
to short to establish rank
close my eyes and scream thunder
shrill to the bones
till you leave me alone