im always missing the point
i cant look to you to give me happiness
you are happiness
i cant sit and expect your blessings
you are the blessing
i cant crave what falls from your hands
but your hands themselves
they are what  i really
want
they are what i really need
and i have been desperate
for a very very very
long time.

“Follow Christ for His own sake, if you follow Him at all.” – J.C. Ryle

"Not all who Wander are Lost"- jrr tolkien

i dont know what i am doing
i hope you know
and i dont know who i am anymore

I want to see you so badly it is true
but all i see is all of me
and none of you

i see a girl
who knows your story
has to be true

this cosmic universe is so complicated
no one could have made it but You

But oh

I sit so utterly removed
so sadly confused and
i misuse
whats given
and it is dreadfully true

i am wandering jrr.

but  i am lost

find me Jesus
I beg you.

This has just been
one dark summer.

how ironic.

there has been splashes of happiness
here and there.

But over all it has felt cold and bare.

I tremble at the wasted time

and frown lines.

"We are all going to die anyway"

kept me awake all night.

what am i living for anyway?

it feels like I am nothing

searching for nothing
how pleasent
how cruel

meaningless
fool.

“I have lost friends, some by death...others by sheer inability to cross the street.”
― Virginia Woolf

 “All extremes of feeling are allied with madness.”
― Virginia Woolf, Orlando 

 “Arrange whatever pieces come your way.”
― Virginia Woolf

 “They went in and out of each other's minds without any effort.”
― Virginia Woolf

i just want to be with my
glittery things
a jar of brightness
in a"room of my own"
every woman needs a room of her own
to paint for
herself
ideas and a way
in which she would like to walk
and twirl
and believe
it is tiring
bending and collecting things
sharp and dull
forced to sit in a room with
disappointing looks
and loud loud shrill
noises
but that is not what it
would be like in my space
not a trembling mass
of ungrace
and deep
creased brows
i do not know
how to smile where i sit
under soot
i wish i was a better kind
who can playfully turn dark
to light

“Lock up your libraries if you like, but there is no gate, no lock, no bolt that you can set upon the freedom of my mind.”
― Virginia Woolf, A Room Of One's Own

 

  “I thought how unpleasant it is to be locked out; and I thought how it is worse, perhaps, to be locked in.”
― Virginia Woolf

i dont belong
what happens when you know you
dont belong
and there is no room
no room for you to think
to even act
because youre suffocating under the weight of what you are not
and how you do not have a heart
big enough to love the people right around you
the people
who deserve the most love from you
all i can think instead
is
how to tread waters and get
get farther and farther away
then carve
carve for myself a little space
a space big enough for me
and my dreams