i want it all
and nothing at all
i want things
that are nothing
i want them for nothing
what do we want that
is worth wanting anyways
do we want anything out of purity
or do our hungry souls
direct our wanderings, decisions, duties?

i will never know
i follow a winding road
i want to decide on my own
what is sweet and what is torn
i can not tell the difference sometimes
between beauty and dark lies
if it is up to me
i chase vanity
and she always blames me in the end
always welcomes me as a friend
always shuts the door and
does not let me in and leaves me banging hard
for some tea and scones
she leaves me outside to drown
in the rain
she does not care because that is who she is
there today
and gone tomorrow
a fickle worthless
friend
vanity
she will fade in the wind
i want nothing at all
i want things that are nothing
i want them for nothing.

pungent
air sticks
unrelentingly
unto
your thick
lungs
inhale
but don't let out
savor
the ringing
of those words
jagged pure
riddled soft
over coarse waves keep
them
inside you until
tears they fall into
open palms

Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy. Prov 26:6

Today I realized, I do not know how to love people. I love myself and how people make me feel. I know very little of sacrificial love and putting others before myself. I feel far removed from what love is:


1 Corinthians 13:4-8

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

God please forgive me for not trusting. For being self seeking and envious. For dishonoring and being easily offended. For keeping a record of wrongs for not freely forgiving and embracing. Forgive me for going to a person to meet all my needs and not going to you. How can I love someone when I am only thinking of MYSELF AND MY FEELINGS? Oh God forgive me, my sin affects people. Thank you for showing me how messed up I am in the light of how much you love me. Oh God please fill me with a deeper understanding of your love. Drain what I know in my pious head into my stone heart. Lord, please give me a heart of flesh, in the name of Jesus. I don't want to keep my heart in a casket cold and dead like Lewis said. I want to love, I want to experience how to really love, not this fake stuff I am used to("loving" so a person can make me feel good, high expectations of others, desiring for someone to complete and heal me and make me feel loved! I am all about me!). Show me how to love like  you do, with an abandonment of self. Please God lead me in this. Show me the truth in your word about love, and losing my life to gain it. Help me to trust in your truth before I try to suck the life out of the people around me. Show me to trust in what real love is and care for my friends, family and boyfriend without thinking about how they can meet my needs. God please HELP ME TO PUT THE INTEREST OF OTHERS BEFORE MYSELF.

Phil. 2:4-5
Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

Oh love that will not let me go
will you wrap me up green
towel
and dry me up
residue
all dripping off me
tears sweat
sweet and
enough.
oh love that will not let me go
a flickering light
can you make it blaze
a little more
so i
can see
I am out of sight
from everyone
from myself
from my truth
I need a getting back
and a warm hug
that lasts
a lifetime
unquivering
and
unwavering
unlike
every other
handshake hand hold
i have ever had
sad world
all alone and gray
all ships
sinking
eventually
because of decay
i need an anchor
i need an anchor
wrap the fat chain around my wrist
the whole world moves
and is swallowed by sky
the anchor tall i am alone and proud
a love that will not drown
in tumultuous black abiss
like everyone else
like everyone else
shoot for perfection
shoot amiss
and you just wanting
someone to come home to
and not have to
wonder forever
when their love
will rot up like dust
and feather away
into the night
you just want to be home
and stay home with something
that will never die
but that is just one of our
age old lies
immortality will never be ours
our time sand
slips out
out and is
never enough
unfailing love
neverending
never fading
never slipping
not once
not faltering once
not changing once
not deluding
fiercely forever never trips in
intensity
solid and untouchable
perfectly kept
while all erodes
through
the racing modes of
eternity
be mine be mine
because no one else
can stay aflame
for me.
no cooing eye
nor solid flesh
can last and breathe with me
when the world and all
its madness colors and singing
ceases to be.

Sylvia Plath

"Remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to become acutely aware of all I’ve taken for granted."

 

"I lean to you, numb as a fossil. Tell me I’m here."

 

" I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and I’d cry for a week. I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full."

 

" I must learn more about these people-try to understand them, put myself in their place. No, instead I am so busy keeping my head above water that I scarcely know who I am, much less who anyone else is."

 

" The trouble was, I had been inadequate all along, I simply hadn’t thought about it.

 

I wonder why I don’t go to bed and go to sleep. But then it would be tomorrow, so I decide that no matter how tired, no matter how incoherent I am, I can skip one hour more of sleep and live."

"I felt my lungs inflate with the onrush of scenery—air, mountains, trees, people. I thought, ‘This is what it is to be happy.’"

 

"Can you understand? Someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little, love me a little? For all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that - I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much - so very much to learn. "

 

Yes, there is joy, fulfillment and companionship - but the loneliness of the soul in its appalling self-consciousness is horrible and overpowering.  

The floor seemed wonderfully solid. It was comforting to know I had fallen and could fall no farther

 

 

  I desire the things which will destroy me in the end. 

 

What did my fingers do before they held him?
What did my heart do, with its love? 

 

And the danger is that in this move toward new horizons and far directions, that I may lose what I have now, and not find anything except loneliness. 

Let me live, love and say it well in good sentences. 

 

 

... because wherever I sat—on the deck of a ship or at a street café in Paris or Bangkok—I would be sitting under the same glass bell jar, stewing in my own sour air. 

 

I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.  

If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed. 

 

There is something demoralizing about watching two people get more and more crazy about each other, especially when you are the only extra person in the room. It’s like watching Paris from an express caboose heading in the opposite direction—every second the city gets smaller and smaller, only you feel it’s really you getting smaller and smaller and lonelier and lonelier, rushing away from all those lights and excitement at about a million miles an hour.  

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

(i am writing this, whatever it turns out to be, at a more positive state than i have been in, lets say, years. I usually do not pen or in this case, keyboard when cheery. Usually I am moved by an overwhelming dark cloud that drives me to tears or writing or sometimes both)

the faucet was off, it was frozen
and then the knob was turned half an inch
and i tasted a drop of clear cool water
it warmed me to the core
it tore through all false
I waited in a quiet room
for another drop
to plunge
through me
and it did one by one
and broke doors off hinges
one day it will be a flood.
and i will dance in it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRgXUFnfKIY

im always missing the point
i cant look to you to give me happiness
you are happiness
i cant sit and expect your blessings
you are the blessing
i cant crave what falls from your hands
but your hands themselves
they are what  i really
want
they are what i really need
and i have been desperate
for a very very very
long time.

“Follow Christ for His own sake, if you follow Him at all.” – J.C. Ryle

"Not all who Wander are Lost"- jrr tolkien

i dont know what i am doing
i hope you know
and i dont know who i am anymore

I want to see you so badly it is true
but all i see is all of me
and none of you

i see a girl
who knows your story
has to be true

this cosmic universe is so complicated
no one could have made it but You

But oh

I sit so utterly removed
so sadly confused and
i misuse
whats given
and it is dreadfully true

i am wandering jrr.

but  i am lost

find me Jesus
I beg you.

This has just been
one dark summer.

how ironic.

there has been splashes of happiness
here and there.

But over all it has felt cold and bare.

I tremble at the wasted time

and frown lines.

"We are all going to die anyway"

kept me awake all night.

what am i living for anyway?

it feels like I am nothing

searching for nothing
how pleasent
how cruel

meaningless
fool.

“I have lost friends, some by death...others by sheer inability to cross the street.”
― Virginia Woolf

 “All extremes of feeling are allied with madness.”
― Virginia Woolf, Orlando 

 “Arrange whatever pieces come your way.”
― Virginia Woolf

 “They went in and out of each other's minds without any effort.”
― Virginia Woolf

i just want to be with my
glittery things
a jar of brightness
in a"room of my own"
every woman needs a room of her own
to paint for
herself
ideas and a way
in which she would like to walk
and twirl
and believe
it is tiring
bending and collecting things
sharp and dull
forced to sit in a room with
disappointing looks
and loud loud shrill
noises
but that is not what it
would be like in my space
not a trembling mass
of ungrace
and deep
creased brows
i do not know
how to smile where i sit
under soot
i wish i was a better kind
who can playfully turn dark
to light

“Lock up your libraries if you like, but there is no gate, no lock, no bolt that you can set upon the freedom of my mind.”
― Virginia Woolf, A Room Of One's Own

 

  “I thought how unpleasant it is to be locked out; and I thought how it is worse, perhaps, to be locked in.”
― Virginia Woolf

i dont belong
what happens when you know you
dont belong
and there is no room
no room for you to think
to even act
because youre suffocating under the weight of what you are not
and how you do not have a heart
big enough to love the people right around you
the people
who deserve the most love from you
all i can think instead
is
how to tread waters and get
get farther and farther away
then carve
carve for myself a little space
a space big enough for me
and my dreams

From the movie "Lovely Still"

day filled with snow
staring up into the branches of trees
overwhelm by the beauty

"I think I have wasted my entire life..."
"No. you only have right now. Lets be happy now."

you can never fail if you never give up

"if it aint hurt
you aint lovin hard."

i hate caring about people.
it just means you hurt all the time
thats all
care and let your heart
be torn apart.

did you know how you would move me
did you know?
did you know how you would move me well
i dont think so.


i do not know what i am ready for
all i know is
that i am at a stand still
and it feels wrong
i feel like i slammed doors on dreams
and hopes
and why?
i dont even know

Love, it's the wave I ride
That won't ever reach the shore
Overwhelmed by the tide
but wanting nothing more..tonight
Than to take this time and make it all mine
It's coming around again

[Chorus]
Every now and again sometimes
I get lost on the wind of a dream
The air gets clean and the seas get wide
and I can do anything
The pain it won't even cross my mind
There's wonder in everything
The rope gets loose and the chains unbind
and I can do anything

Hope, it's the light that strikes
that burns inside of me
It's a blinding light but somehow I can see...again
When I've lost my way
It's becoming very clear
And it's coming around again

Every now and again sometimes
I get lost on the wind of a dream
The air gets clean and the seas get wide
and I can do anything
The pain it won't even cross my mind
There is wonder in everything
The ropes get loose and the chains unbind
and I can do anything

Somewhere between the darkness and the light
My spirit takes to flight
The colors fill the skies
And I'm free

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aruQXnEhfJ4

i know you know best
even though my heart
feels shattered
i know
you know best



i want to fly away right now.

last night,
i dreamt of running quickly in a dark airport
to board a plane
i did not care that i was alone
i did not care that i would fly for 13 hours
it did not matter who i left...


i sit in tears
because i am torn away displaced
i am not apart of that rising day

i will pray Lord
I will give this burning
thrashing
hungry desire to run,
to you
i have nothing else to do than that


i have to keep my red journal closed tight
a rubber band around it
when i open it
a flood of water consumes my tiny room
my big window casts rays of sun
and i swim above to get some air
swimming in my tears
of longing
each page burns at my touch.

i never thought i could want as this.
i miss i miss. them.
so much.

and they could never know of this consistent sorrow
that i keep hidden even from myself
so as not to spin my life into some hole
and not enjoy the beauty that i have now, that awaits even now in store.

i am ready

to find you.

im sorry i picked this and that and him too.

i cant be happy following my fables

why can i not remember that

they will never do

you told me once, twice

a million more

im crushed because i want to believe you

let me let go im

sorry i cling to idols

its so hard to say no

but if i hold these things

my arms full to the brim

thinking only of him

or of me

actually

and

what i want to win

well then i am

not your disciple

at all

you said if anyone would follow they

must lose it all.

whats left i think

starring down a path

that looks like there is no way to pass

i have nothing because it is yours

this will be a hard road

i tear my clothes

i make a pile of all these things

not my will

but yours

but

do i turn away?

surely i will only

dig my own grave.

where oh

God

where shall I go?

But to you...you speak everything true

and clean, you

lean in and hand me a beam

sorrowful savior you look me in the eyes and whisper

"trust me daughter, and follow me."

John 6:⁶⁷ So Jesus said to the Twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?” ⁶⁸ Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, ⁶⁹ and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.”

The Moon is distant from the Sea – (387)

By Emily Dickinson

The Moon is distant from the Sea –

And yet, with Amber Hands –

She leads Him – docile as a Boy –

Along appointed Sands –

He never misses a Degree –

Obedient to Her eye –

He comes just so far – toward the Town –

Just so far – goes away –

Oh, Signor, Thine, the Amber Hand –

And mine – the distant Sea –

Obedient to the least command

Thine eye impose on me –

"Our iniquity is great/

But you're steadfast in your love

Abundant in your grace/

We're covered in your blood

Justified through faith/

And treasured as Your Son

You're faithful to the end/

You will never give us up."

the real joy is in loving

not in receiving the love

but in giving love

all is material for sacrifice

all

"He doesn't make mistakes

though I'm struggling now

i will trust in Him and wait"

"It seems like I aint ever gunna do it

i cant be everything that I aspire or desire to be

im feeling like Im in chains but truly im free

feeling like Im suffocating theres no way to breathe

But Im taking my deep breath living just to see Him"

"and even though Im tired he is giving me rest

and though my feet may get heavy the Lord is giving me strength"

Experiment

meager body

crushed between

two slabs

stricken heaving

beating

get me out of this

test lab

released into

the maze lab rat white bright light

no will to fight for a chance

running in circles you scrutinize my path

eyes black wide seeing only

an endless graph

do this do that

test me till im skin and rags

multiply me maximize me

inject me with pitiful laughs

cold tables cold desks cold knees

trembling in class

lab rat run

around till we are done

you will be free in a month

after a

test tube of fear the squeezing injections and stuns.

drink it up

and pretend its fun